yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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