I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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