Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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