I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Randomize
