it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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