At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
