I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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