So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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