i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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