I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
