Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
