i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
