One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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