you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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