I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
