and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
