I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Randomize
