I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
