I could have mohawked her pubes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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