I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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