was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
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I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
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I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.