Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.