I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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