I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
