I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
