Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
