I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
