I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
