She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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