New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sorry my hands just texted you
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
