If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
