Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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