seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
