You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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