I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My vagina just clenched in fear
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
