Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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