She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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