she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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