Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
