I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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