Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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