I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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