sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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