I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
