walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
