Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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