I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
