i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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