why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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