this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
