I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
