so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
