I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
