The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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