Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
