I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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