My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
